


don't tell me what's right

by sventheolsen



Category: Sierra Burgess Is a Loser (2018)
Genre: F/F, Oblivious Baby Gay Sierra, Veronica is Deeply In Love with Sierra (tm), how dare you have a romcom trope and not fulfil it, these two baby gays were WRONGED
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-12 16:28:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15999017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sventheolsen/pseuds/sventheolsen
Summary: Sierra's been in a funk lately, feeling like a tsunami was rising behind her shoulders and if she were to turn around, it would crash all over her. It doesn't help that she's been spending more time with Veronica.orSierra gets caught into rapidly growing feelings for her best friend and fails spectacularly at managing them (postmovie)





	1. Chapter 1

They’re lying down across the bedspread, the garish purple-pinks of Veronica’s room softened by the dim lights they spent the afternoon hanging across her ceiling.

Her best friend is currently curled against her, idly grasping and stroking parts of her hair. It feels good, strange, a transgression of boundaries only Veronica would comfortably pass. “Sierra,” she murmurs. Sierra hums in response, her eyes half-lidded. She’s spent, having spent the whole night talking to James and the day with Ronnie. “Yeah?”

She feels Veronica shift, adjust her posture such that her cheeks rest on her left arm, eyes tracking the side of her face. “Where do you want to go to college?”

Sierra’s eyes open at that. “Um, I really don’t know.” She lies, eyes flicking to the brunette on her right. Veronica audibly scoffs. “Try again,” she replies, half demanding and half teasing.

“Alright, alright,” she splits into a big grin. “I’m thinking instate… somewhere near my dad, you know? He gets lonely in his process - and… ever since Mom died, I’ve been the only woman in his life.” Her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“Someone’s got an Oedipus Complex,” Veronica teases, shifting up. Sierra thinks that Veronica needs to always be in motion - might be an undiagnosed attention deficit, but she’s keeping that to herself. 

“Elektra,” she mutters to herself, hiking herself up with her elbows. She’s learnt to take insults in stride, at least with Veronica. She catches Veronica’s bemused stare with her own. 

“What was that?” Veronica murmurs, leaning in with a small smirk. Sierra is very conscious of the lack of personal space between them. “You mean the Elektra complex,” She clears her throat, feeling abruptly nervous. Veronica is tracking her face intently, eyes flitting between her own and her… chin? She can’t tell.

Sierra has been in a funk lately, feeling like a tsunami was rising behind her shoulders and if she were to turn around, it would all crash upon her. She’s felt that feeling surge around Veronica lately, the more they spend time together. 

They’re both startled out of their moment with the abrupt clang of a heavy object against Veronica’s door. She blinks rapidly and leans away instinctively.

“Ronnie!!!!” The twins yell shrilly across the door, banging on the door. “Mom said you’re doing Iezzie stuff!! Ronnieeeeee!”

Veronica and Sierra share a look. “I should go.” Sierra says, already shifting to find her backpack and her books. 

She catches a flicker of disappointment in Veronica’s gaze. “Yeah. Yeah, I mean.” Veronica nods to herself, crossing her arms together. “God, I need to tell her to stop saying that homophobic bullshit.” 

Sierra starts in surprise. “Wow, I didn’t know you were such a staunch defender of the LGBT community.”

Veronica’s gaze becomes blank, a tell Sierra’s learnt to mean defensiveness, and shrugs. “Yeah. Of course. I’m like a decent human.” Sierra can’t deny that logic. 

They settle into an awkward silence after that, and it’s only saved by the short, but firm hug they share at the threshold of her house. The vanilla-rose perfume lingers on Sierra’s clothes, she thinks, or at least the scent follows her home. 

\-- 

“S-nasty! V-ronica,” Dan’s conspicuous voice carries across the hallway. Sierra sighs and swivels around to meet her childhood friend. “Where y’all been! I missed you this weekend, boo.”

Veronica reciprocates the hug he foists upon them, while Sierra grimaces and extricates herself. “We missed you too, Dan,” she replies dryly, adjusting the backpack. 

“Seriously, were you on a date with white delight, Sierra?” He demands, grinning. 

“No, Sierra was all mine this weekend,” Veronica informs him haughtily, easily slipping her arms around her own. 

“Oh, I get it, a girl’s night.” Dan looks at their interlinked arms consideringly. “And you didn’t invite me?” He harrumphed. 

“No we were studying,” Sierra turns to walk ahead, aware that Veronica had failed to drop her arms from their interlinked embrace. Dance throws a sideways glance at her, but continues chatting normally with Veronica. The biggest relief was that Veronica seemed to warm up to Dan much easier than she did with her, so she had no problems sharing the two best friends in her life.

They stop in front of Veronica’s AP History class. “Hey, remember to come over to my house tonight.” Veronica informs her, squeezing her hands lightly. “We need to go at ten to the party at Cayden’s, so come around eight?”

She nods dumbly, acutely aware of Dan’s gaze on them. Veronica flashes her a dazzling smile and leans over to peck her cheek. “Alright, see you.”

Dan waves after her for the both of them. Sierra hangs her head. “Don’t. Say it.” She walks resolutely ahead, refusing to acknowledge Dan’s judgemental silence.

“So- are you in a polyamorous relationship now?” Dan jokes, grinning wider at Sierra’s glare. “Does James have to be worried? If so, can I keep him for you?”

She arrives at her locker and swings it open aggressively. “No, you know what? I think - “ She huffs out a stray hair from the front of her face. She looks at him then. “I think this is like, what close female friendships are like - I mean you’re the closest I’ve had to one.”

“Uh-huh.” Dan replies, unimpressed. “Alright, I love love triangles and I love closeted gays even more -”

“Why does -” She starts loudly, but lowers her voice as soon as she realises it. “Why does everyone think I’m a lesbian? I’m not! I’m in a committed relationship with a man, a boy, a very hot and eloquent one -”

“Thanks, babe.” James’ bemused voice cuts through her tirade behind her. She feels the flutter of butterflies in her stomach as he walks into her vision, grinning slightly. He moves in for a kiss. 

“Hi,” she grins, feeling her cheeks flush and clutching at her books tighter. She hears Dan groaning in the background, but elects to ignore it. 

“Sorry, Dan.” James responds cheekily, absently stroking the back of her arm. “We’re super heteronormative and I’m very aware of that,”

“And you’re woke too,” Dan mutters, giving Sierra a pointed glare, as if to say, look at what you’re fucking up. Sierra flushes once again.

\--  
James does drop her off at eight. She’d kissed him and told him a half-assed lie about having a girl’s sleepover, and she feels the guilt smarting at the bottom of her gut but it’s nearing test prep season and they both need time away from each other to study, and focus. 

“Have fun,” He murmured, kissing her cheek almost the same spot Veronica chose to earlier that day. She shivers at the memory. Tossing him a fond grin, she steps out of the car.

She takes out the key that Veronica made on their six month friends-aversary. (“You’re stuck with me forever now,” the brunette had grinned, passing her the key in a wallet she’d bought for her.) She understands that time-based celebrations of friendship seems ludicrous but it was one of those exceptions she reserved for Veronica.

She walks up the set of stairs to Veronica’s room, guided by the familiar blast of Dua Lipa songs that she was recently addicted to. 

“Are your sisters asleep? Because the house is weirdly quiet and-” The words that had been comfortably tumbling out of her mouth freeze midway. Veronica’s wearing an alternately gold and black striped maxi dress. She stared, stymied by the way the dress clung to her chest and the curve of her hips. 

Veronica paused applying eyeliner, opting to turn. “Hmm?” She levied a questioning stare. God, she felt her mouth running dry. 

“Um.” Sierra tried eloquently, shifting her bag. “Uh. I meant it’s really quiet?” She stares at the fuchsia carpeting at her toes, opting to become friends with the floor until her heartbeat gets in check.

“Oh, yeah.” Veronica huffs amusedly, going back to her desk mirror and carefully applying eyeliner. “Look behind you, I got you something.”

She furrows her brow. Did Veronica even know her size? It was definitely not her size six. She walks over, still opting to not look behind at the brunette. Her eyebrows shoot up to notice a matching dress, with a gold lining instead. “Veronica,” she begins, not sure how to convey her disapproval.

“Don’t,” Veronica cuts her off, and swivels around. Sierra falls silent. “I know you don’t like dresses, you think you’re too fat or whatever to fit into them.” Her tone is unexpectedly hard, and it wounds Sierra as she glances down. Veronica’s gaze softens. “But babe, trust me. This will look really good on you. God knows I spent like five hours looking through some websites online. Just… try it.”

“I know I suck at clothing, but - “ Sierra tries again, but is cut off by a warning finger lifted up by Veronica. “Just… five minutes.” She pleads, striding over and holding it up to consider. Her eyes are pleading, - and god, Veronica never pleads.

She feels herself caving in. “Alright.”

Sierra does hate some dresses. She hates the way her belly falls open in a paunch for others to see, the way her bust gets too constrained and her shoulders too manly and broad to fit into most of them. She’s always been wavering between not skinny and not outright obese, and the dresses do nothing but show how out of place she is. She’s willing to forgo the inevitable humiliation if it’s only five minutes, and it’s only Veronica. So.

She hastily removes her jacket and jeans and places it upon herself, wishing that she could be faster to end the pain of the process. 

She’s done, thankfully in less than four minutes. She grimaces and braces herself to open the door.

She swivels it open to meet Veronica’s excited gaze. “Okay!” She grins broadly, looking her up and down. “You know what, yes. Yes. Come out here, S, and check it out in the mirror.”

Sierra complies and cautiously steps out to the body length mirror that Veronica was facing expectantly. She stares. Veronica was right. The dress reduced the girth of her shoulders and accentuated her hips, made her cleavage flare out slightly. With her hair pinned up… she could look graceful... look good.

She smiles tentatively. Veronica claps her hands excitedly. “Awesome. I am so fucking happy you have no idea,” she gushes. “I’ll get you some makeup- but first. Selfie.”

Sierra feels Veronica’s hands slip across her waist as she holds her iPhone up to capture their dresses. She leans closer, feeling dizzy with the knowledge that she felt comfortable. In control. She slips her own hands across Veronica’s waist, grinning widely as her best friend took a snapshot.

She finds herself tugging across the slim brunette’s waist until she faces her. She stares at her unabashedly, watching Veronica’s wide eyes soften with affection. “Thank you, Ronnie.” She murmurs sincerely.

Veronica leans into her touch, her skin warm against her palms. “You’re welcome.” She opts to circle her neck and bring her into a hug. Sierra inhales her vanilla-rose scent once again. Six months ago, Sierra was friendless and constantly tortured by the sight of her body. But now, she could stare at her reflection in the mirror and feel it worthy of being loved, and what’s more - actually accepted by people like Veronica and James. She snorts at the irony of the situation. 

“Ew, don’t do that.” Veronica scrunches up her face, breaking the embrace. Sierra grins. 

“You’re going to do my makeup or what?” She demands. She is slightly intimidated by the rows of brushes and sticks that Veronica directs her gaze to. The brunette grins at her ferally. 

\--

Sierra is undoubtedly bored. It’s been forty-five minutes into the party, and honestly she can’t deny the fact that she enjoyed the stares in the beginning, as people realised The Loser Sierra Burgess was dressed to the nines and in fact, looking very hot this evening. Veronica hadn’t even tried to hide her pride, smirking at her every time a jock whistled appreciatively and gave her an appreciative fist bump. 

It was when she broke away from her best friend to get them mixers, when Frank stopped her in her tracks.

“Hi,” he’d said, grinning unabashedly. He was close cropped and blessed with high cheekbones, and Sierra found herself grinning back. “You’re kind of in the way of my drinks there,” She’d quipped, and they’d laughed.

Halfway through their conversation, Sierra spied Veronica across the hall, flipping her hair back and talking to a blonde guy. Jack? John? They shared AP Biology together and Veronica had mentioned him in passing before. The thought sends an unpleasant tightening of her gut, and that’s when her interest in Frank and his Adonis looks had dropped. 

Fifteen minutes later and she’s presently bored, so she’s relieved when Frank excuses himself to go to the bathroom. She walks away in search of Veronica, feeling the familiar tugging in her chest when she stayed out of her orbit too long.

She wasn’t in the halls. She furrows her brow, feeling the anxiety creep up her throat. She walks across to the yard, still no sign. 

An unpleasant thought strikes her. She might be - she swallows thickly. She might be upstairs, with a boy. The anxiety skyrockets. Although Veronica was an adult (barely) and capable of her own decisions with boys, she usually let her know beforehand and - 

She hurries upstairs before she finishes the thought, stalking across the open doors until she sees the familiar brunette silhouette. Who is - jumping?

“Score!” Veronica squeals, as a ping pong ball hits a plastic cup. Sierra huffs, walking across.

“Ronnie,” she calls out, deciding to screw it and walk towards the leggy brunette. She rests a cautious hand on her back. Ronnie swivels back, and grins unnaturally wide. “Oh, look it’s Sierra.” Her tone is syrupy sweet, a pitch too wrong. Sierra frowns. “I thought you were talking to that boy toy.” 

Her frown deepens. “What? No, you know I’d never -” She’s interrupted by Veronica whooping loudly, as the ball hits a further target.

“Whoo! Look at that, Brett! I made you my bitch. Pay up, boys.” She hears the collective groans of boys in the football team - Jamie’s friends in fact, fumble to take a couple of twenties out to her outstretched hands. 

“Alright Serena Williams, I’m going to sit over there.” She points to the raggedy couch at the periphery of the room, oddly facing a tiny jutting wall.

Veronica shrugs her off, which upsets Sierra even more. She’s abruptly reminded of the earlier days of their friendship, where Veronica would do nothing but see right through her or worse, just a desperate tool to get a boy to fall for her. She bit her lip and sat on the couch, wondering if Jamie was up.

Hey. She shoots him a quick text. Jamie replies quickly. Hi sugarbabe. It was a terrible couple nickname that he choose for her on their fifth date, after Sierra teased him about the ones his football team gave him. 

She finds her anxiety melting away as she shoots quick texts. She giggles with the picture of a puppy he sends her, so distracted that she fails to register the weight of someone sitting next to her.

“Hey.” Sierra pretends to ignore the familiar female voice. “Hey.” She says loudly.

“I’m sorry,” Sierra frowns into her phone, still texting. “Am I talking to my friend who ditched me fifteen minutes into a party she coerced me to attend?”

She hears Veronica scoff. “Did you just say coerce? Nerd.” Sierra does look up at that to toss her an unimpressed look. 

Veronica visibly deflates. “Okay, look.” She lowers her voice. “I’m sorry.” Sierra purses her lips, opting not to escalate her behaviour into a fight. 

“Okay,” she accepts, placing her phone to the side. Veronica tosses her a grateful grin and slings a hand around her neck.

She feels her boundaries being encroached, again. “Why do you do this?” Sierra asks point blank, staring at Veronica’s half-lidded gaze. She’s not accusatory, just curious. 

She sees Veronica visibly stiffen. “What? Wait, hold on.” She mutters, after she spies something in the corner of her eye. “I need you to trust me.” 

“What?” She blusters, brow furrowing. “Wait, what, Ronnie -” She’s cut off by Veronica straddling the edges of her seat, her long legs wrapping around her own thighs. 

“Ronnie.” She murmurs again, feeling a mixture of confusion and adrenaline. Veronica grins lightly at her and leans in to murmur into her ear. 

 

“Just trust me and follow what I say, okay?” Sierra, defying all reason, agrees, shivering slightly. “Okay. Thanks. Now just - take your hand and put it here.” She decides to guide Sierra, grasping one hand and placing it on the small of her back, and the other grazing her hip. 

Veronica is the one to shiver, now, as she leans close. “Now I’m going to put my face in your neck, okay?”

Does Sierra have agency at this point? Did it matter? She nods dumbly and lets Veronica blow sweet, soft breaths in the crook of her neck, lips almost brushing. 

She feels the distant tsunami roar once again, the feeling like everything was going to fall horribly into place.

Veronica whimpered. Sierra realises that it’s because her left hand was brushing circles around her thigh, and she decides to repeat the motion. She feels Veronica spread her legs wider and press inwards.

The tsunami is definitely heading towards her at a breakneck speed. 

Her hands remain frozen at that realisation, letting herself passively fall back as Veronica presses soft exhales at the juncture of her neck. Her lips move and Sierra begins shivering, and she belatedly realises that she’s forming words. 

“- like the way you touch me.” Veronica murmurs, and Jesus Christ, the tsunami has definitely crossed beyond the point of no return.

She bit her lip. “Ronnie,” she croaks out. (Fuck, she sounds wrecked.) “Why are we doing this?” 

Finally, Veronica pulls back to respond. “Oh,” she responds casually, grinning slightly. “Dylan from AP Bio was walking towards me, and I wanted to send a signal.”

She feels reality douse like cold water over her mood. “Okay,” she responds faintly, disappointed besides herself. As a marginally less attractive female, she only could guess at the strategies Veronica had to keep the men at bay.

Veronica senses the shift in mood and frowns herself. “You wanna get out of here? It’s getting kinda gross around anyway.” They both spy the room and notice either boys doing butt-kegs (no) or couples awkwardly fumbling and making out.

Sierra nods. “Let’s get out of here.”


	2. Chapter 2

She’s half sleep deprived and half hysterical when the realisation hits her.

She’d spent most of last night googling how to know if you are a lesbian, and when that summoned up a series of unfortunately explicit scenes, she’d alternately googled how to know if you are straight, which produced a series of Christian conversion camp websites. She’d left that party dazed and vaguely registers taking a cab home, stumbling into her room and staring into the wall for a good forty five minutes. She can’t remember the exact train of thought, beyond idly shivering at the errant memory of the warmth of Veronica’s skin and the feel of the brush of her lips.

So the realisation was that she, Sierra Burgess may not be straight. Which failed to surprise her, she’s always stared a bit too much at the cheerleaders in the school. No, the hysteria-inducing aspect had to be that she had to fall for Veronica, her one and only best friend. She was one of those tragic, Plutarchan heroes that she and her dad used to mock. Falling for an unavailable, straight girl. She feels the self-hatred metastasize as bile which she bites back, staring at the wall bleakly.

Sierra had hoped that, waking up the next morning she wouldn’t find her best friend attractive. Like, maybe it was an enormous, silly infatuation that young people conjure in the hazy moment of things. Maybe if she chalked it up to developing hormones she could maturely rationalise it all away. Maybe even make a pledge like: “I, Sierra Burgess, will not fantasize about kissing Veronica until we are both too tired to move.” Some small pledge like that.

The harsh reality of the day (and seeing Veronica’s grinning face before first period) quickly dismantles any of her hopes. She finds herself going into a trance in Biology class again, so much so she fails to recognise that Veronica was gently nudging her shoulder.

“-got to group together to prepare the amylase experiment, Sierra?” She blinks owlishly, and grins shakily at Veronica’s puzzled stare. They work in silence, although Sierra pretends to not notice Veronica sneaking glances at her every few seconds.

“What’s up with you,” Veronica loses patience and asks her, leaning over on her wrists.

“What makes you think I’m upset?” Sierra defends, scrunching her brow as she prepares the control experiment.

“I know you,” Veronica states simply and shifts to her left. Sierra startles. “Move over. Seventeen point five.” She clicks her pipette twice, an endearing tell that Sierra has come to know as her lab partner. She writes wordlessly, knowing that Mrs Thompson didn’t really like chatty lab partners.

Veronica has no compunctions speaking up. “So? What’s got you so messed up? James and you fought?”

Sierra becomes cat-tongued at that. “No,” she insists rather forcefully. She and James were fine, despite her newfound lack of heterosexuality. Veronica keeps tracking her face, her gaze flitting up and down as if to try to decipher her squeamishness.

Could she appear more gay now that she knows? She had no idea. But thought crawls up her bones and makes her want to run out of class and hide in the toilet for the day.

\--

She spends the next few days in the same manner, figuring if she can wait the gay feelings out, then she’d wake up one day exclusively heterosexual again. Sierra intuitively knows that this is a bad idea, but she does not realise the extent of how bad it is until Thursday afternoon.

She’s taken to coming to school late and leaving early with James, knowing Veronica’s schedule like the back of her hand. She avoids the track when there’s cheerleading practice (even if she can’t see James) and stares belligerently in the AP History class they both share. Veronica doesn’t, to her own chagrin, accept it easily, having called her multiple times in the week and ignoring all of her IMs. Dan’s not given her a break either, throwing her a judgemental stare everytime they’re in the hallway and Sierra deliberately ignores the gaggle of cheerleaders across.

To be honest, part of her is ignoring Veronica because she doesn’t know what to say. Sorry, perhaps? That she’s very gay for Veronica, and would like to commit friendship suicide by admitting those feelings. She tortures herself with scenarios, all negative, of how her best friend would react. The one she fears the most is the reversion to their old dynamic, where Veronica sneers at her in classes and cuts her out of her life entirely. And that’s the biggest possibility that’s got Sierra terrified of responding to Veronica’s calls.

It turns out she is saved from having a choice in the matter, when Veronica materialises one day and drags her by the cuff to the nearest toilet.

“Veronica?” She’s stunned, mostly about the level of strength that the tiny girl has. Veronica sends a poisonous glare and holds up a commanding hand, striding across to jam the door with a mop handle.

She’s half amused and scared shitless. “Hi?” She stutters out, fingers fanning out in a pathetic wave. Veronica crosses her arms and continues glaring.

“The toilet’s closed,” Veronica barks at the knocking behind them. Sierra jumps slightly.

“You can’t ignore me for that long,” Her voice was too sharp, which really meant she was freaking out. Sierra purses her lips, eyes flitting across the hallway.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sierra insists, feeling anxiety crawl up her shoulders and constrain her throat. She feels the heat of a flush coming on, and god her hair must be really awful - she paws at it despairingly.

Veronica’s icy stare deepens.“Hey, you don’t get to do that.” She walks closer into her personal space, which really shouldn’t unsettle Sierra at this point. “You’ve been so jumpy and nervous and so fucking formal with me. What crawled up your ass and died?”

Sierra frowns, feeling them shift into their old roles of bullies and bullied. “I’m sorry?” She deflects, stepping back. They both hear loud knocking on the other side again and startle.

“It’s FUCKING CLOSED,” Veronica screeches, making Sierra wince. She looks back at her with barely restrained rage. Sierra’s abruptly reminded of Veronica’s mean streak - “I want to gouge your eyes out “ - but she sees an undercurrent of hurt too.

“I,” she tries to begin, too cowardly to do anything beyond stare at the floor. “I’ve been spending time with Jamey.”

“Bullshit. Try again. James told me you’ve barely responded to his messages.”

She looks up, nostrils flaring. “Is this how you think I’m going to open up - by you yelling at me?”

“No, this is how I make sure you don’t get up and leave my ass for some stupid reason- or at least I get a say in this.” Sierra bites back her indignant retort and blinks.

“You- you think I’m going to leave you?” She’s utterly baffled. Veronica locks her jaw and swivels to the side, hiding her face.

“Isn’t it how it begins?” She scoffs, picking the scruffy edges of her wool coat. “You ignore my calls. You don’t even say hi to me in the hallway. It’s just textbook at this point.”

“Textbook for who? What - “ Oh. SIerra realises - the calls, the silent treatment. They reminded Veronica of someone who left her. “Veronica. I’m so sorry. ” She tries empathically.

Veronica visibly deflates, eyes watering. “No,” she insists, blinking back her tears, arms locked defensively around her chest. “No, you don’t fucking get to say that - you don’t -” Sierra’s awash with shame. In her own desperate bid to attain some normalcy, she realised she’s inflicted collateral damage in the meantime.

She strides over and envelopes Veronica in her embrace. The brunette keeps her arms around her chest, but unwraps them a few seconds later. “I’m not your dad,” she murmurs into her hair, feeling Veronica take a shuddering inhale of air. “I’m not.”

She feels the hands snaking across her waist, gripping tightly.

Sierra’s favourite childhood memory of her father was when they bought a hamster, a tiny thing that he’d brought home one day and trembled in her enclosed palms. She’d felt a wonder of holding something that was utterly dependent on her for warmth, felt the surge of protectiveness swell up in her chest. She felt the same now, holding Veronica and wishing desperately that she’d stop crying.

Veronica does, eventually, stepping back from their hug and wiping the snot on her hoodie. She laughs self-deprecatingly. “I probably look like a mess,” she smiles tentatively.

Sierra matches her expression. “No, you look -” Gorgeous, she wants to say, but she bites it back. “Good.”

Veronica doesn’t appear convinced, but she lets it drop. “Are we - are we okay now?” She ventures, looking at Sierra cautiously. Veronica’s heart drops.

“V,” she feels the urge to pull her back into an embrace. “You were never the problem.” She decides to screw personal hygiene and props herself onto the sink counter.

Veronica locks into her gaze. “What happened?”

She bit her lip. How does she say this? “I’m not.. I discovered things.. About myself that kind of freak me out, and I don’t like it. So. I’m dealing with it.” Veronica’s eyes flash with understanding.

“Is this about James?” She asks kindly, placing a palm on her swinging knee. She looks down at her body, once again reminded of how much she hates her thunder thighs.

“Your legs are fine,” Veronica states, searching her face knowingly. Looking at the obvious surprise in Sierra’s face, she shrugged. “I know you.”

That’s the second time Veronica has said that, and she’s starting to believe it. “Besides, you don’t hate your body as much as I do to get as thin as this,” she grins self-effacingly. Sierra frowns at that. “Anyways, back to James. What’s up?”

“Uh, he isn’t the problem. I’m just - “ She feels the urge to relieve herself the secrets she’s been keeping like stones in her chest, “I’m not happy. I - want more out of my relationship. Out of someone I like. Does that make me terrible? I’m such a selfish bitch.” It’s her turn to almost burst into tears at this point, and Veronica is at her side instantly.

“Shh,” she murmurs, rubbing a soothing hand across her back. The anxiety’s at her throat again, clogging up her lungs. “I just - I’m so stupid.” She moans, exhaling quickly.

Veronica cradles the side of her face with her palm, nuzzling the top of her head with her nose. “No, baby, no. It’s completely normal.” Both of their breaths hitch at the endearment, but Sierra decides she likes it too much to stop it. She rubs her palm across the side of Sierra’s jaw, while she closes her eyes and commands herself to level her breaths.

“Yeah,” she takes a gulp of air and steps back. “Fuck, I’m so stupid.” She moans again, dragging a palm across her face. “I just fucked things up with you for no reason.”

Veronica shrugs. “Yeah. For that, you are. And you did. It’s okay. ” She directs her gaze to Sierra’s knees again, picking absentmindedly at the threads of her leggings. It’s one of her nervous tells, she realises.

“Just one thing,” Veronica looks up, trapping her with an intense gaze. “Anything from now on, if you’re in a funk, you hate me, whatever - you tell me. You understand?”

Sierra nods jerkily, thinking that the second option was highly unlikely. “Good,” Veronica nods satisfactorily, and dusts her thighs as she straightens up. “Come on, let’s go for class.”

Veronica walks forward, and Sierra follows.

\--

“You and Ronnica are close again,” Dan greets her walking to the cafeteria, falling into step. She’s becoming her only shred of sanity, Sierra wants to say, but instead sends him a casual grin and deflects the conversation back to summer plans.

“She’s being there for me,” Sierra admits with great difficulty, Dan nods, unsurprised.

“That’s good,” he replies much later in the lunch, without any trace of malice. Sierra’s eyebrows shoot upwards.

“What?” He defends, pulling the plastic utensil from her mouth. “She is less bitchy than I first met her, and she seems to treat you well.”

He stares at her a beat too long, and continues the conversation. But Sierra’s still stuck, mind working with the knowledge that Veronica had been treating her well, too well for a temporary friendship. She’d just have to prepare for the inevitable day that she finds a boy to focus all of her love and affection, and get the relationship she deserves. Sierra feels the certainty of this settle like a pit in her stomach.

\--

“Brad wants nudes.”

Sierra’s startled from her intense concentration for the American History test they’ve been sequestered all day in Veronica’s room. Brad was the other college student that Veronica matched with in the last week, and Sierra’s already had a trying time trying to appear supportive of her best friend’s clearly generic taste in boys. How many vaping, hipster assholes could she even discover online? A lot, Sierra finds out.

“Oh.” The words register and make her ice-cold inside. “Will you - will you actually send it?” Sierra coughs, trying not to look Veronica in the eye.

She hears Veronica scoff. “No!” She insists curtly, flipping her book shut. Sierra looks up at her, sees the amused smirk on her face. The relief sends her own shoulders sagging.

“I, um,” Sierra said, looking down at the butterfly-printed duvet and swallowing. “I think you should.” Although the prospect makes her physically ill.

Veronica scoffs again. “I know you think I’m stupid -”

“No,” Sierra argues, leaning over in indignation. “No, I think - isn’t it normal now, to do those kind of things?” She has no idea why her brain has decided to continue this conversation, but she feels compelled to continue.

Veronica gives her a long, inscrutable look. Sierra shifts uncomfortably. “Okay,” she agrees. Her own eyes widen. “But only if you help me take them.”

Now she’s back to blustering. “You mean - you mean nudes.”

Veronica shakes her head vigorously, bouncing her legs in excitement. “Nah. No. Not like full nudes - but like something with my bra, something to make the boys drool, you know?” She grins, spreading her legs out and wiggling her toes as she becomes comfortable with the idea. “And I kinda trust you to take some good angles.”

Sierra is decidedly not okay with the idea. “Okay,” she says audibly, and feels a shudder run along her frame. Veronica is already reaching for her iPhone, swivelling her body over and tapping on the phone to presumably adjust some filters.

She’s frozen, a part of her brain viciously berating her for even agreeing to the situation. “Okay,” she repeats, apparently just capable of speaking a few syllables at a time. She snaps out of quickly, realizing that this was one of those unwritten straight girl code clauses - thou shall help thy girl-friend take suggestive photos, or something along those lines. She guessed. She stands up and braces herself.

Veronica is untying the tight ponytail she keeps usually, letting her hair cascade down. “Let’s start,” The brunette announces, her face approaching a steely determination Sierra knows won’t fade easily. She’s wearing a long, baby-blue flannel shirt that Sierra chose for her weeks back, and her trademark boyshorts.

She begins unbuttoning the top buttons briskly. “Wait,” Sierra raises a halting hand, more to save herself from further embarrassment. “I think - I think you need to lie down again.”

Veronica raises her eyebrows. “It’s a good angle, from on top.” Sierra rushes to explain, smiling tentatively. “It shifts the focus to a natural pose, focuses on your face, feels more intimate.”

Veronica’s lips curl. “Alright, you’re the director here. Show me what to do.” She passes her the phone, and sits primly on the side of the bed.

Her heart is pounding, and her fingers are trembling, but she affects a confident tone. “Sit on the centre of the bed,” she orders, shifting herself back to the foot of the bed.

Veronica acquiesces, settling her body on to the centre of the bed, legs tucked to the side as she tucks her head above the fold of her hands. She looks back at her expectantly. Sierra feels her mouth running dry. She opts to sit on the side of her back, leaning over with the phone clasped between her fingers until the camera captures Veronica’s pose.

“I’m taking some preliminary shots, okay,” She murmurs, while Veronica affixes her most sultry pout to the camera. A hint of a smile is playing on her lips, while her left hand grasps the edge of her elbow.

She huffs out a breath after a few snaps. “Something’s missing,” she mutters, when a crazy idea strikes her. “Unbutton the first three buttons of your shirt.” She instructs, while she places the phone to her right to find another angle. Veronica bemusedly unbuttons herself. She purses her lips. “No, like this -”, and she shifts over to hastily open the buttons further, exposing the porcelain skin underneath.

“You’re staring at my chest,” Veronica said dryly.'

  
Sierra snapped back into reality and realized, with horror, that she was, in fact, staring at Veronica’s chest. She hadn't even been aware of it. Sierra could see the line of her throat, crossed over by the delicate collarbone, and then down to the faint rise of her cleavage, oh Christ, she squeezed her eyes shut. "Sorry," she whispered.

  
Veronica smirks and stretches backwards lazily, almost preening at the attention. “It’s okay, I knew a closet case like you might react this way -”

  
She’s stung. “I am not gay.” She mutters firmly, lurching away from Veronica’s lying form and crossing her arms around herself. Yes, she was lying - but the feeling of being exposed in this way raises her hackles.

  
Veronica raises herself up on her haunches immediately. “No, no - I was just joking, S, god.” She implores, while Sierra focuses her gaze on a piece of lint on Veronica’s bed.

  
“Is it really?” She muttered under her breath.

  
“What?”

  
She shakes her head vigorously. “Nothing. Fuck - Let’s just get this over with - I’m just the loser with the camera, anyways. Let’s send this to Brad and get it over with..”

  
Veronica’s voice is the one to turn sharp. “Stop that.” She commands. Sierra snaps up to look at her. Her shirt, horrifically, is still undone.

  
“Stop calling yourself a loser. You, hell you and I are so much more than that.” She toys with the BFF necklace that’s tied delicately around her wrist, speckled with rust. Veronica thrusted her a matching one three weeks after prom, just before Christmas began and she had to fly off to Toledo, Ohio of all places for the break. _Didn’t want you to forget us_ , she told her smiling at the airport. She’s spent the day dazed.

  
Veronica looks the same way now, eyes wide with affection and lips parted. She edges closer until Sierra can feel her breath, sweet-hot around her. She leans towards her left shoulder, reaching to grasp her phone.

  
She feels the cold air between them as Veronica re-establishes the distance. “Here,” she thrusts the phone gently towards her. “Take the picture. I’m sorry for what I said.”

  
Sierra had already forgotten. “It’s okay,” she murmurs. Veronica gives a small smile to that. She shifts her back until it hits the headboard, her shirt tousled and betraying more than Sierra intended. Her long hair obscures the top exposed half, and she sits cross-legged. The affectionate stare is back again.

  
Sierra shakily raises her phone and takes a couple of snaps. The silence is stifling, overwhelming. “Listen,” she speaks, desperate to finish this quickly but also very intent on drawing this as long as possible, “You need to look more.. Sexy.”

  
Veronica shoots her an affronted look. “You’re kidding me,” she snorts. Sierra chuckles and leans over. “Yeah, that’s super un-sexy.” She teases, bringing the camera closer till the focus reaches them. She locks eyes with her above the iPhone. “Just look more authentic. Like you want to fuck someone,”

  
“Sierra!” She teases, adopting a scandalised tone. “I don’t think that language is very appropriate.”

  
“Oh, ha-ha. Okay, I’m going to pretend to be Brad - or whatever milquetoast boy you’re into these days,” Sierra rolls her eyes while she adjusts herself until she’s face to face to Veronica. She huffs out an exhale. “What would you say, or do to me?”

  
Veronica’s not smiling now, but an unreadable expression enters her gaze. “Well, honestly,” she draws out, knowing that taking her time would piss Sierra off. “I’d ask you to stroke my hair.”

  
Sierra blinked. “Not what I - uh, a boy would expect. But okay.” She raises her left arm to gingerly rest upon her friend’s brunette locks, seeing parts of it catch the dim lighting.

  
Veronica rolled her eyes. “Try to stroke it. Like - you know?” She mimics the action with her hands, as if Sierra was an idiot. Sierra ignored her and gently, tentatively began stroking the crown of Veronica’s head, marvelling slightly at how soft it was.

  
“Is this okay?” She whispers, after a few seconds. Her eyes flit down to see that Veronica’s closed her eyes and is humming contentedly. She dared to take her hand down to the juncture of the neck. She dared to look up at Veronica’s face. Her cheeks were a little pink, but her face was calm and her breath was even. She lifted her eyebrows, and pulls away to fumble for the phone. “Give me a second,” she mumbles, eyes very briefly flitting away from her face.

  
She felt heat coiling at the base of her gut. She elects to ignore it, and try her level-best to balance her phone with her right palm. “Ronnie,” she murmurs, back to weaving her fingers in her long hair, a part of her thrilling at the way Veronica preens once again, seeming to arch into her touch.

  
“Mmhmm.”

 

“Stay there,” she commands with a surprisingly level voice.

 

Sierra wondered who was she thinking about, when she closed her eyes. Who was fortunate to be the centre of that gaze. “Open your eyes,” she murmurs, turning away from the painful thoughts and focusing on the camera.

 

She does. Sierra’s breath catches. There was the missing element, the unadulterated desire clearly within Veronica’s gaze, the mixture of lust and affection clearly writ on her face. “Good,” she manages, clicking. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

  
Veronica arches closer at that, shifts her forehead to seek out her fingers. Sierra absentmindedly strokes the top of her brow, still mesmerised by her expression. They’d be so lucky, whoever they were.

  
“Who?” Veronica murmurs, and she realises that the brunette’s guided her fingers to rest on her cheek. She rubs her face gently against her fingers. Sierra flushes. “Who’s lucky?”

  
Sierra’s deep in the sea now, succumbed to natural forces beyond her. “I am,” she half-lies, hoping parts of the truth leak from her words. “You know - to practice these kind of things.”

She doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s discombobulated, thrown off by the feather light touch of her fingers against her soft cheek. Veronica seems to realise that and smirk softly.

A dangerous idea rises within her, and a part of her says - why not? - she’s crossed many boundaries at this point, if Veronica didn’t know now, she’d never know. And so it’s with reckless abandon she gently traces the outline of Veronica’s lower lip, feeling its moist and plumpness.

  
“Sierra…” Veronica exhales, and she’s trapped in that look. She has a feeling she’s going to say something serious, something both of them aren’t ready to face, so she withdraws her fingers quickly as if scalded.

 

She lets the phone clatter to the floor and rises from her knees. “Uh,” she says incoherently, panicking and burying her hand in her hair. “Okay,” and her eyes widen as she takes in the whole of the situation. The lighting, the camera, Veronica’s lips.

 

  
“I gotta go,” she manages, and runs out the bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s the first day of summer and she’s is overwhelmed with relief. She’s no longer forced to see Veronica in the hallways, catch lingering gazes and look away again, scolding herself for being too transparent. But her almost constant absence in her life makes her heartache anyways.

 

“Where did you just go?” She blinks and finds herself facing Jame’s kind gaze and the laughter lines creasing his eyes. She tries, like the past few times, to find the heady feeling that his voice and smile would send rushing to her head, but instead she feels a muted warmth. 

 

She tries smiling widely. “Nothing, nothing.” She rushes to reassure him, pressing her lips briefly against his cheeks. 

 

He grins slightly and his cheeks color at that, and Sierra gazes at him fondly.

 

“So, uh,” He clears his throat and rolls up his sleeves. “Have you decided to ask Veronica yet?”

 

She blinks, jarred. Did he know she was thinking about her? “Uh, no.” She responds hesitantly, her heart pacing fast. 

 

Dan’s eyes flicker down in disappointment. “Oh, okay. I was just thinking you really should - I mean, like - a double date is a great idea, and Veronica seems pretty upset lately.”

 

“She’s upset?” She interrupts him sharply, scanning his face. 

 

Dan blinks again, confused. “Yeah? Yes. I mean she’s sitting on her own in lunches sometimes, even though you and I asked her multiple times to sit over with us -”

 

Her heart sinks. “Space,” she repeats the words Veronica feebly offered her earlier. “She needs space.”

 

_ Probably out of disgust with her totally lesbo-friend,  _ Sierra will not add. 

 

Dan smiles more eagerly. “Yes, yeah, I get that. But at the same time I think that a double date will make her feel less like a third wheel around us,”

 

“Why are you so interested in Veronica’s romantic life?” She teases, with a half-truth of suspicion lurking underneath the surface.

 

Dan gulps again. “Oh, no - no, S. You’re still the only girl I have eyes for.” He leans forward to wrap his arms around her torso. “I’m crazy about you.” He murmurs into her hair.

 

She takes a while to answer. “Yeah.” She’s sure that sinking feeling in her stomach must be relief, nothing else.

 

“I’ll think about it.” Sierra promises him, and they both lean back into the bed.

 

\--

“By the way, S-baby - how’re things with you and Zac Efron?”

 

They’re in Sierra’s room, after Dan called an ‘emergency meeting’ that afternoon which meant Dan was already driving over and Sierra had little choice in the matter.

 

Dan conveniently left out that Veronica, too, was invited - so the sight of the tall brunette standing hesitantly behind him at her doorway freezes her temporarily.

 

“Uh, hi.” Sierra manages after a few fraught seconds. 

 

Dan snorts behind them, already making himself comfortable on her duvet. “Yeah, this is for  _ you  _ too. I don’t know what kind of issues you girlfriends have, but you need to set it aside for Dan, okay?” Sierra blushes a crimson red. 

 

Veronica laughs airily and proceeds to sit herself on the bed. “Alright, Dan - we’re all ears for you.”

 

Dan harrumphs and pats the pillow on his lap. “Okay, good.” 

 

She spends the time during Dan’s tirade sneaking glances at the other girl. She stares at the wisps of hair that float through the evening breeze, the way Veronica’s eyes sparkle and laugh at whatever Dan was saying. Sierra was hurtling towards the bottom of the ocean, pulled by the force of her. 

 

“-yo, Sierra!” She’s forced back to reality with the sight of Dan clicking his fingers.

 

“Where did you go there?” Dan indignantly states. His face morphs into a sly grin. “Were you thinking about your loverboy here?”

 

“By the way, S-baby - how’re things with you and Zac Efron?”

 

Sierra and her share a long look. She averts it quickly. “Yeah things are going good,” she responds, feeling a lump in her throat.

 

Dan appears oblivious to her discomfort, and pats the duvet excitedly. “Oooh, girl - does this mean y’all have  _ done  _ it yet?” His eyebrow cocks suggestively. She can feel Veronica stiffen besides her, and she flinches reflexively. 

 

She scritches at the back of her neck, feeling an unpleasant shudder run up her spine. “No, Dan,” she manages a mock airy tone.

 

“Aw baby, why - y’all waiting for the right time to pop the cherry? Prom  _ already happened.”  _

 

Dan grins wider, unaware of the heat flushing Sierra’s cheeks. Veronica’s determinedly staring at the corner of her duvet, picking at it. 

 

“She’s not comfortable with talking about it, Danny.” Veronica’s voice cuts the tension. Sierra snaps her gaze into the other girl’s face, but she’s determinedly not looking back at her. She does glance at her quickly, and Sierra schools herself to be placid.

 

“Veronica’s right,” she tries to show her appreciation. She chuckles self-deprecatingly. “I’m just not into that stage with Jamey - and, yeah.” She shrugs feebly. 

 

Dan furrows his brow, but drops it. “Alright baby, let’s go back to me, alright?”

 

Sierra keeps sending glances in Veronica’s direction, but she’s back to staring at the piece of lint on her bed. Sierra used to read every single one of her expressions, a direct channel feed into her emotions. But she feels the connection between them abruptly dammed, Veronica’s face an almost constant blank state. Sierra tells herself it’s good for them. 

 

\---

 

In an ironic twist of events, Sierra finds herself in a movie theater with Veronica, watching some romantic comedy that Dan roped them into.

 

“It’s  _ Love Simon,  _ woman,” he announced excitedly. “I bought three tickets and you better show your ass up at ten tonight.”

 

She half-expects Veronica to help her out in rejecting Dan. Predictably, Veronica looks poised to start an argument, then pauses, thinking it over. She shrugs. “Okay,” she turns back to her computer.

 

They’ve reached a truce, somewhat. Veronica texts her sometimes, sending her a short  **_hi_ ** which Sierra scrambles and stalls at finding a response. She still turns up at her house to go shopping every Tuesday, finding themselves killing time in the mall with various outlets. But things feel muted between them. The magnetic pull that Sierra felt in Veronica’s presence was still there, but it felt like Veronica was giving less of her away, skirting details about her own life. 

 

She’s in the midst of wondering how to bring that up, when Dan interrupts them. “Okay,” Sierra mutters in response, a plan working in the back of her mind. Sierra had always been a woman of action, not words. 

So they get into her dad’s Prius, withstanding the usual ribbing about her dad’s unfortunate choice of car. “It just screams mid-2000s lesbian to me,” Dan says, shooting a meaningful glance at Sierra. She just flushes, opting to turn the ignition on roughly.

 

“Whoa,” Dan exclaims, feeling his head hit the car roof. “Slow down, lady.” 

 

“Sorry,” Sierra says, not feeling it one bit. Veronica snorts next to her, riding shotgun. Sierra’s spine relaxes and she bites back a smile. 

 

They turn a corner. “So, Ronnie - how’s that college boy holding up with you?”

 

Sierra clenches her jaw. “Hey, Dan? Why are you so obsessed with our love lives?” The tone is exceedingly sharp, and she feels her friends’ silent gaze upon her. She ignores them. 

 

“Well, S-baby,” Dan opts to continue lightheartedly, sending an internal sigh of relief within her. “I don’t  _ have any.  _ This tiny-ass California town doesn’t have a lot of gay fish in the sea.”

 

“Actually, Dan - have you been to Resyst?” Veronica cuts in, as they hit a speedbump. Her shoulder briefly brushes against her own as she adjusts her seat. She represses the shiver down her spine. “It’s a really good gay bar, open every Thursday.”

 

“Honey I look twelve, you think  _ I  _ can get in -” Veronica laughs in response.

 

Sierra doesn’t let the sweet sound distract her. “You’ve been to a gay bar?” She asks, trying to mask her anxiety by focusing on finding a parking spot near the mall.

 

“Oh, yeah - I went there, like two weeks ago?” Veronica’s voice is deliberately light, but Sierra tenses anyway at the timeline. Dan shifts forward. “It was really nice, you know? Interesting people.” 

 

“Girl, you gotta pull up back - that Range Rover wants to cut you off.” Dan instructs her, and Veronica nods sharply. He turns his attention to Veronica. “Oh, really? Is someone exploring their  _ bi-curiosity?”  _ Veronica gives him a teasing grin at that. 

 

She honks viciously twice. Veronica and Dan jump at the sound. “Fucking driver.” She mutters, and the car graciously pulls back so she could parallel park inside.

 

“Oh-kay,” Dan had apparently leaned back, and gratefully cut that conversation short.

 

\---

 

“Did you really go to a gay bar?” 

 

The question tumbles out of her unwillingly, but she sticks by it. Veronica’s holding their popcorn while Dan rushed out for a last minute bathroom break. She’s realised there’s an errant wisp of hair on her forehead, and she resists the urge to push it away with her fingers.

 

“Yeah,” Veronica replies, looking up from her phone.

 

“Oh,” Sierra blinks, at a loss at what to reply. Veronica’s mouth twists into something resembling a smile, and she looks down to her bucket of popcorn. She’s been looking away from her a lot, Sierra realises. 

 

Desperate to change that, “That’s, uh cool.” Sierra tacks on feebly, edging closer to her until she can see her fine eyelashes. She stares at her face, mesmerised. 

 

Veronica scoffs. “Oh, it’s cool now? Thanks, didn’t need the permission of you straight people to live my life.”

 

“Wait- what? You’re not straight?” Sierra chokes on air, feeling the blood rush to her ears. Her friend doesn’t reply, instead trapping her with a dark gaze. 

 

“I never said I was.” Veronica says huskily, her lips parting. 

 

Sierra’s throat feels dry, but she ignores the urge to walk away and get fresh air.  

 

“Thanks for telling me,” she masks her heated expression with that for anger. “I thought we were friends?”

 

Veronica looks away. “Some things… you can’t really share.”

 

What was that even supposed to mean? Sierra gazes at Veronica, trying to communicate her confusion.

 

Dan, with his impeccable timing, decides to walk towards them now. “Alright,  _ let’s do this.”  _

 

\--

 

Sierra wonders if Dan is the most oblivious or the most unobtrusive friend they both have.

 

Either ways, it’s almost impossible to ignore the way Sierra keeps looking over her shoulder to sneak glimpses of Veronica. 

 

Halfway into the story, she’s given up on the plot, spacing out instead upon the many heart pumping consequences of Veronica’s casual revelation. 

 

She wonders whether this was some twisted lashing out by Veronica, a way for her to expose what Sierra already knew about herself. 

 

Or it may be a phase - and her chest squeezed even deeper at the implication. Sierra might be potentially some form of experimentation _.  _ And she really can’t handle that. 

 

So, in a way, she thought desperately to herself as she saw the half-naked boys kissing passionately onscreen, this was a good thing. Veronica could experiment and move on, while Sierra remains a pining mess. 

 

At the infamous peach scene, however, her jaw falls slack open in surprise. She hears the audible exhale from Veronica next to her and the scandalous laughter rippling through the crowd.  As if summoned by her thoughts, Veronica turns her neck and burrows her laughter into her neck.

 

She parts seconds later. “Oh my god,” she whispers, eyes shining. “I can’t believe I saw that.” Veronica maintains her grip on her forearm, clasping it gently. The touch soothes and burns. 

 

“Yeah,” Sierra whispers back dumbly. She continues gazing at the brunette, seeing the various hues of the projector reflect upon the angles of her face. She shifts her gaze to check out Dan, who appears to be very absorbed in the movie. 

 

She bites her lip, deciding this was enough agony for the afternoon. She fishes out her phone, ignoring the glares of people around her as the phone screen illuminates brightly. 

 

**_Going outside to the bathroom._ ** She texts Veronica and Dan quickly, deciding to stand up. She’s still stuck in a haze, so she’s vaguely aware of people muttering angrily as she shifts her way out of the theater. 

 

Her heart is still pounding in her ears when she reaches the bathroom. She exhales slowly, open her eyes slowly to assess her gaze in the mirror. She looked terrible.

 

“You can handle this,” she tells herself. She can handle the new excruciating ways Veronica has decided to torture her, even though she’s claimed to be reformed from her bullying ways. She can handle the rush of infatuation for a completely unattainable, unavailable, gorgeous - 

 

“Sierra?” A shy voice calls out behind her. She closes her eyes.

 

“Hi,” She manages, swivelling to find Veronica behind her. Sure enough, she’s leaning against the door. 

 

“Hi,” Veronica repeats, grinning and tilting her head in that gentle affectionate way. A pang goes through her chest. She’s about to repeat herself when she realises how stupid that would look, and stops herself.

 

“What’re you doing?” The brunette continues, and walks steadily towards her. 

 

She stares resolutely at the ceiling. “Uh, I just needed a break. I just,” she sniffs. “Too much male sperm for me.” She twists her face into disgust.

 

Veronica bursts into laughter. “Yeah,” she agrees, sputtering. “Same here.” She’s standing right next to the sink where she’s at now. 

 

She sobers quickly. “So, you’re into girls now, huh?” She tries to be faux-cool, but it falls flat even to her ears. She cringes slightly.

 

Veronica’s smile also fades. “Yeah. I guess.” She idly twirls her hair with her fingers, kicking her legs against the bathroom counter. Kind of like a kid, Sierra thinks, and fails to not be charmed.

 

“What’s your type,” her voice wavers, but the boldness surprises them both. Veronica looks up, searching her face. “You know, to help your Tinder game. Blonde? Kinda butch? I can try looking up some hot hookups for you.” Although she would rather die. 

 

“Well,” Veronica drawls, swivelling forward to face her. “I like the musical type. Good singers.”

 

Sierra gulps, feeling herself tighten imperceptibly. “Singers, huh?”

 

She’s grinning lazily in response, drawing her fingers through the ends of her hair. “Yeah. They have to be intelligent too.”

 

“Yeah, boys can be stupid.” Sierra agrees readily. Veronica rolls her eyes. “Not just boys,” she mutters.

 

“What was that?”

 

Veronica steps into her space, and Sierra’s wondering how it would build. She’s terrified to learn that she had unconsciously come to the decision that she would, in fact, let this happen. 

 

“Nothing,” she breathes into her face, sweet-hot. Sierra’s transported back to that day, two weeks ago, in her bedroom. They never spoke of it again.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Veronica whispers into her mouth, and she can almost taste the chapstick thinly coating her lips in a faint gloss, catching the cheap luminescence of the bathroom.

 

“I’m afraid,” Sierra tells her honestly, but she leaves out how good the fear feels, as if she’s about to drop into a deep and welcoming spiral. 

 

Veronica’s eyes flit rapidly between her eyes and lips. “Oh,” she exhales shakily, tucking the hair behind her ears shyly.  She stares at her, struck. 

 

“You’re beautiful,” Sierra decides to continue with the honesty, her arms wrapped behind her back, too afraid to show her physical appreciation but words, she’s always been good with words -  

 

“Shut up,” Veronica replies, and presses her lips firmly against hers. 

 

Sierra gasps into her mouth, arching into the kiss.

 

In her first kiss with James, she was frozen with the feeling of their lips connecting - but feeling Veronica’s mouth on her feels like touching wet fingers to a livewire. She feels the shock across her system, feels the electric desire curl her toes and pool wetness between her thighs. 

 

She pulls back, heart palpitating from the excess stimulation. “God, your lips.” She exhales shakily, running a hand through her hair. Veronica smiles against her mouth. “And yours,” she sighs back, nipping her lower lip.

 

She moans again and lets herself be pulled into the kiss. Veronica’s lips parted farther until their tongues meet, and she feels the warm press of her fingers rubbing underneath her shirt.

 

Veronica is the one to pull back after several torturous seconds. “Hi,” she presses a quick kiss against her lips.

 

Sierra sighs, her cheeks still flushed. “Hi,” she breathes, feeling oddly sated and desperate at the same time. She steps back from the embrace.

 

Veronica crosses her arms as Sierra adjusts her shirt. “God, that was good, huh?” She chuckles. 

 

“Yeah, it was one of the best kisses-” Her eyes widen as she’s struck with the thought of James. James, her  _ boyfriend.  _ Who she just cast aside for some infatuated kiss. 

 

“Shit.” She feels her brain stretching with panic. “Oh, my fucking god. Get away from me.” She mutters lowly to herself.

 

Veronica’s eyes widen too in understanding. “Fuck, Sierra - shit I just - please don’t run from me again,” She steps into her space, and Sierra’s helpless to reject her. 

 

She’s frozen, to the point where she lets her be enveloped by Veronica’s comforting embrace. 

 

“We’ll find a way out, I promise,” Veronica strokes her back soothingly, and Sierra melts into her, inhaling her scent. “We’ll tell him, it was a mistake,” She stiffens. “That you were - experimenting, or something -”

 

The words settle like steel in her gut. She steps back abruptly. “It was a mistake?” She can’t keep the rawness out of her voice, or hell her eyes, but she stares at Veronica.

 

She won’t look at her, her eyes flitting down. “Yeah, like… maybe I was curious how it would feel to kiss a girl -”

 

“ _ That’s  _ why you kissed me? I’m just a fucking experiment?”

 

Veronica’s face falls. “No, baby - just -” She raises a hand in response. 

 

“Tell Dan I’m taking the Rover back home early.” She cuts her off coolly.

 

“No, you won’t do that.” Veronica’s glaring at her, and Sierra flinches instinctively, from years of that same menacing look passing her by in hallways.

 

“Yes, I will.” Sierra mutters down to floor and tries to move out. Veronica blocks her path.

 

“No, you don’t. Look at me.” Sierra stares stubbornly downwards.

 

“ _ Look at me.”  _ Sierra looks up at that. Veronica’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “You need to understand.”

 

“Understand what? That you’re just messing with me? That you just want to break me and Jamey up-”

 

Veronica blocks her cruel words with a ferocious kiss. She presses her mouth against her insistently, desperately biting her lips and willing Sierra to submit. She tries to resist, but lets herself relax into the pull of her teeth, nipping at her and coaxing unwilling gasps.

 

The confusion dies down, into a horrifying certainty. She lets herself be kissed for a few seconds more, and wrenches her mouth away.

 

“I can’t,” she whispers, seeing her eyes open and her mouth bruised red. “I just can’t, Veronica.”

 

Sierra does leave, with a sick feeling in her stomach.

 

\---

 

Veronica is talking to Spence again.

 

“Y’all need to stop with this hot and cold bulllshit,” Dan informs her promptly the next day. “Oh, and Veronica? Ain’t as gay as I postulated. Shacking up with college boy.”

 

“Oh, really?” Dan and her have decided to go to a yuppie new yoghurt shop nearby. She’s accidentally stabbing the yoghurt into a misshapen mush. 

 

“Mmhmm. Saw it on her Instastory. She went over to Spence’s house last night -”

 

“Dan,” she interrupts, her voice surprisingly brittle. “Can we  _ not  _ talk about Veronica, or our love lives today? Let’s talk about literally anything else. The weather. Climate change.”

 

Dan leans back consideringly. “Okay, okay Sierra.” He soothes, staring at her appraisingly. “So what’s up with your future plans? Any colleges got back yet?”

 

She inflates again. “Uh, just UCLA. Got accepted.” She shrugs casually. It wasn’t a surprise, but the future she’s worked so hard to achieve seems to be more opaque as she nears it. What is she going to do, without James or Veronica by her side?  

 

Dan’s eyes widen. “Me too, girl!” He whoops excitedly. “Oh, we gots to celebrate.  _ Star Wars  _ marathon at my house?”

 

She stares at him, and finally relents with a small smile. “2003 Prequels or JJ Abrams?”

 

\---

 

She’s at Dan’s house that evening, the undercurrent of unease finally relenting as she distracts herself with some much needed time with her (thankfully platonic) friend. Thoughts of Veronica still peck at her brain, so she’s subconsciously checking her phone every now and then to see if she’s gotten any word from her. Veronica’s been on radio silence, which suited Sierra just fine. But she failed to see why she was the one who got to be angry, Sierra is the one whose life is rapidly crumbling into pieces. 

 

That’s when she gets the call. Dan shoots her a dirty look, but she ignores it as she fishes her cell from her pocket. Veronica’s grinning face flashes across the screen.

 

“Hello?” Sierra answers.

 

“ _ Hellooo, s-Sierra. Or should I mean sexy. Hey, that’s a nice name for you. Sexy Sierra.” _

 

“V? Are you drunk?”

 

“ _ Duh.” _

 

“Where are you?”

 

“ _ I’m -”  _ A comically large hiccup. “ _ Ooops. I’m at Spence’s block party. Spence is just here. Say hellooo, Spence!”  _ Some laughter muffles her voice in the background.

 

“What, V - are you okay? You promised me to never go to parties alone - hello?”

 

A deeper voice greets her. “Hey, Sierra?” It’s Spence. “Uh, I kinda need to pick your friend up here.”

 

_ “Yeah, she’s a slut!”  _ Some boy hollers in the background. Her jaw clenches.

 

“Excuse me?” Her voice raises, standing up. She ignores Dan’s excessive shushing noises. 

 

“ _ Hello? Jesus fuck Veronica - just let me get the phone!” _

 

“Hey, you don’t get to talk to her like that!”

 

“Fuck, yeah I’m really, really sorry. Listen, your friend is kinda out of control and messing with the vibes of this party, can you come and pick her up?”

 

She nods jerkily, and realises belatedly he can’t see her. “Um, yeah.  Yeah. What’s your address?”

 

“221 Birchwood Street. Okay, thanks. I’m leaving in twenty minutes.”

 

“Keep Veronica on the phone.” She’s halfway out the door, wrapping the scarf around her neck as she shoots a panicked look to Dan. Having already paused the movie playing, he stands up to accompany her. 

 

“Okay, sure.”   She hears some shuffling and some heated exchanges before the phone settles.

 

“Dan, I need your car.” She murmurs, fumbling around to find her wallet. She left it at the dinner table, but of course it wasn’t actually there. 

 

“ _ Oooh, is Danny around? Dannyyyy. I miss you! Can you tell Sierra to stop being such a stuck-up bitch? I miss her more now.”  _ Dan waves the wallet in front of her face, and she accepts it gratefully. 

 

She clenches her jaw, and decides to pass the phone to Dan wordlessly. The thinner boy fumbles to grasp it with his fingers, pressing it against his face.

 

“Hello, V-baby. What did you get yourself into this time, huh?” She’s sauntering down the stairs, hearing his unnaturally chirpy voice following her down to the garage. Veronica continues rambling loudly on the phone, and Dan sighs as Sierra locks the key into the ignition and pulls the car out of his house.

 

“ _ Phew.  _ This girl is geeked up.” Dan informs her, pressing a hand against Veronica’s unceding voice. Sierra tosses him a grim smirk. 

 

\--

 

Sierra wants to gag when she rounds the car into Spence’s house.

 

It’s a block party mostly attended by UC students, with the generic crowd of people yelling and blasting loud rap music. It’s exactly the kind of scene Veronica swore to her to never attend alone. The reminder pisses her off more than usual. 

 

But mostly it’s the thick smell of marijuana that’s wafting from the house that Sierra despises. She lets Dan exit on his own, walking hurriedly and knocking shoulders against affronted university students. 

 

Things in life can never be easy, and that’s why she walks right into a claustrophobic throng of people in the house, with no Spence in sight. She growls to herself in frustration. 

 

She looks around, and spies one of Spence’s buddies, chatting some sorority girl up. “Hey,” she calls out, yanking him aside carelessly.

 

“Yo, what the fuck?” The blonde glares at her. 

 

“I’m looking for Spence. You’ve seen him?” She cuts him off, impatient. 

 

“Upstairs, fatass.” He shrugs belligerently, and walks off.

 

“Asshole,” she mutters, the insult stinging. She runs up the stairs, trying desperately to locate her. 

 

She finds her, sprawled across the floor in one of the rooms. “Oh, Veronica.” She sighs, reaching over to pull her up by her armpits. She’s leaning her temple against a very dirty pillow, and her own face scrunches in distaste. 

 

Veronica’s eyes open, as if summoned by her voice. “Hi,” she says, her eyes surprisingly clear despite the obvious scent of intoxication wafting off her body.

 

“Hi,” Sierra whispers back. She’s struck by a bone-deep fatigue. She is tired of finding Veronica in these situations, following a hellish pattern that they both can’t seem to break out of. 

 

“Do you hate me?” Veronica asks, apparently picking up the discomfort in her face. Her voice is unnaturally childish, and so are her gestures as she picks at the lint on the grimy floor. 

 

“No, sweetheart.” She says, and crouches closer to gather the strength to pick her up. She realises that it’s the truth. Dan’s voice reaches them, shattering the odd quiet they were ensconced in. 

 

“Sorry! Incoming! Trying to save a drunk friend here!” Dan’s shoving inelegantly against the group of people who were crowding the door.

 

Sierra looks up. “Help me pick her up.”  Dan obeys, crouching down to pick her up from the other side. Through their combined (feeble) efforts, Veronica’s finally upright and standing on her legs. She sways haphazardly. 

 

“Okay, I got you.” Sierra anticipated this, so she places her shoulder behind her to fall back on. She tries to ignore the surge of warmth that shoots up her spine from her soft mass, tries instead to focus on making her friend steadily walk to the exit.

 

Spence greets them at the base of the staircase. “Thanks, uh - Sierra.” Spence shoves his hands into his pockets, with guilt flickering across his features. 

 

She shakes his head, and looks over to Dan as she extracts herself from the drunken brunette.

 

She steps forward to him. “Listen,” she says grimly. “Never, ever invite her to your parties again. Got it? She’s taken care of by me, and if you touch her again-” She levels his gaze evenly, letting the implication hang in the air.

 

He nods, looking perturbed. “Yeah, yeah. You got it. I won’t touch your girlfriend again.”

 

She doesn’t try to correct him, only saunters back to lift Veronica’s arms back onto her shoulders.

 

Dan gives her a thoughtful look. She ignores that too, only grunting in relief when Veronica was deposited into the backseat of the car.

 

“You love her, don’t you?” Dan asks her after a long while. They’ve rounded the corner out of that neighbourhood, heading towards Veronica’s home. She winces as she realises she’ll have to deal with her mom.

 

“Yes.” She states, as if it was an obvious fact. She’s trembling inside, afraid to skirt the truth and reveal more than she was personally ready. Dan looks at her for a while, and doesn’t reply. 

 

She drops off Dan at his house, waving him off as he reminds her to text when she’s reached home safe. She checks the clock on the dash.  _ 1:00AM.  _ Fuck. This meant she had to deal with Veronica’s mom and her anger over missing curfew.

 

She knocks on the doorbell, the dread dulled by her exhaustion. She hears the telltale shuffle seconds later of heavy footsteps. 

  
“Who the fuck is here in this hour-” The blonde woman grumbles angrily, wiping at her face.

 

She inhales a deep breath. “Hi, Mrs. Fischer. I have your daughter with me.”


End file.
